We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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