FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
