I have demons in me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
