You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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