I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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