An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
