We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When did angry sex become our thing?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
