i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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