i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
