Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
