Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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