Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize