I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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