i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
