I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
