remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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