So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
