Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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