i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
