dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
