If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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