No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
