i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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