how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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