dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
