omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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