My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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