I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
