I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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