I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize