Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
