Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
