these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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