Yo dont text me then not text me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize