Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
