This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
