I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
