She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize