Jerry, you need to find god
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
