Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
