you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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