she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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