One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
