i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
