My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
