Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
