I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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