my room smells like sperm. sweet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
