my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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