Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
