I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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