Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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