bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
