I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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