ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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