Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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