I accidentally burped into my bong.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
