I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
