He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
