You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
pray to the hookup gods
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
