When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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