Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
