I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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